Tuesday, September 1, 2009

The Anecdotal Life of a Bookshop: The Moat

Yes, I have a moat in front of my shop. No lie. I thought I would move to a more medieval look, and this would be better for scaring intruding customers away.

And it was free! The city did it for absolutely nothing.

I came in today, excited, as it's sort of an important day: the first day of my big two month closing sale. The day I advertized for with that cold hard cash that had to be pried from my tight, tight fingers. And I arrive to find... no sidewalk. The city chose this day of all days to tear it up. And when I mean tear, I really mean tear. Tearing to the measure of a trench three feet wide and three feet deep. A wonderful moat. Apparently customers will really have to earn their book sale. By hurdling a moat. Plus the dodging of jackhammers, plows and steam shovels. I'm only awaiting Indiana Jones to swing in on his whip. I may have to rig up the flaming arrows myself. If I want the proper atmosphere, that is. And, you know, atmosphere is everything. There's no joie de vivre without flaming arrows.

And they broke my step. Tiles are all busted. But, hey, luckily the step won't be mine for much longer. Ha! Do your worst, City of Windsor. If you cross my moat I shall smite thee with a copy of The Canterbury Tales. Annotated. Hardcover. You haven't been smited until you've been smited with one of those. The gold leaf adds an extra little flair to the smiting.

Oh, and the workers cut a gas line, too. If they really work on it I think they can get the whole downtown core to subside into the Detroit River. I'm putting it at 50-50 right now. The Union Gas guy came to check my furnace and pilot light. Apparently I'm not going to burn up or asphyxiate. Which is good to know. I'd hate to be robbed of the chance to see the bottom of the Detroit River from the comfy confines of a bookshop.

11 comments:

jbchicoine said...

I’m sorry Bryan—please don’t take this as noncommiserative, but that is terribly, pitifully funny. I do so love a good smiting. Maybe a catapult would come in handy.

Ink said...

Ah, bitter humour... I'm just like Salinger. Only without the bestsellers and eternal sales.

jbchicoine said...

Seriously, I hope your book sale goes well. It sounds as if there’s a bit riding on it.
Perhaps the trusty civil workers of Windsor will make haste; or perhaps a bridge—or give you a rebate on your taxes.

L. T. Host said...

Awww Ink. I am sad to see your store go :( I've become quite fond of it the past few weeks!

To be fair, I did snort and chuckle a bit. For a sad person, you are terribly hilarious. And I mean that in the nicest way possible.

Ink said...

The really annoying thing is that someone already stole the title A Heartbreaking Work of Staggering Genius... it's enough to make a man dyspeptic.

And, update style, the first day of the sale is actually going pretty well despite the moat. Such brave and enterprising customers! Selling everything for a dollar seems to be a good lure...

Mira said...

Oh! You weren't joking! You really do have a moat! Well. I think the City of Windsor deserves to have it's moat stocked with alligators. I think the best time to stock a city moat is at midnight. That way they are very surprised come morning.

An added draw is potential customers will come over to point at the alligators, so it's a win-win.

On a more serious note, I am sorry that the City of Windsor clearly has no brain to speak of. That's utterly ridiculous that they would do that without notifying the shop owners. Idiotic!

I'm also sad about your bookstore. I've never been there, but it is a very cozy and friendly place in my mind.

L. T. Host said...

Everything for a dollar! I'd totally forge the moat for that sale!

Ink said...

Yes, the City of Windsor is entirely without a brain. Or a heart. Or, I'm guessing, much courage. Sadly I do not have any ruby slippers, or this might all turn out well. :)

Ink said...

And yes, I have had some more moat hurdlers! Actually, the moat has been filled, so the alligators are now filling my storage room. Getting hungry, too. Now I have a sort of gravel embankment. Burning pitch may yet be a possibility...

Mira said...

When's the next council meeting?

I've heard alligators LOVE council meetings.

Especially when they serve snacks.

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